I want to kill someone.

My bathtub is broken.
Today will be the third day I've gone without a shower.
I stink.

This is especially disconcerting for the following reasons:

A. I bathe/shower at least once every day. Sometimes twice. I really like being clean.

B. I'm not a camper. This has much to do with the fact that I am not okay with a lack of bathing.

C. Not bathing is traumatizing for me, as it conjures painful memories of post-hurricane hose baths in my front yard as a 14 year old. NOT a good age to be taking hose-baths in your front yard. Particularly when your front yard is directly adjacent to the island's only highway.

D. I'm really anxious to use my new marshmallow shower gel.

Attempts made to fix tub as of 2:10 PM today:

A. Zep Enzyme Bacterium powder. Came highly recommended. Did nothing.

B. DranO Max Gel. This hideous and potentially fatal chemical compound did absolutely NOTHING. I feel gypped, robbed of $5.95, and environmentally retarded.

C. Plunging to within an inch of my life.

D. Taking apart the overflow system and fishing through the pipes from two directions with a wire coat hanger. This may have been the low point in the process.

E. And lastly... Much internet research, including but not limited to watching countless youtubers unclog their own drains with mocking ease and using:

The "Zipit"



The "FlexiSnake"



Andre the Giant's tweezers



And semi-pornographic plunging



I'm as yet undecided as to which of these videos was most disturbing. Actually, it was probably one of the D.I.Y. tutorials, or how-to cable-access-ish handyman spots. It was especially awesome when the bald guy bent his head down to prove that the hair in the drain certainly didn't come from HIM.

Joy.

Next stop? Pacific Coast Home & Garden for any/all of the above referenced youtube solutions. And if those don't work? I'm going to hang myself from said wire coat hanger.