Thanks Vice. Thanks Darby.
Enjoy. :)
"Dear Vice,
Contemporary female fashion has reached a nadir unseen since Chinese foot binding and artificial cranial deformation. The third millennium, for whatever reason, has spurred clothing designers and the women who buy their wares to completely eschew the basic principles of aesthetics in lieu of the conceptual. It has been happening for quite some time on the runways, but I believe this is the first instance in history where utility and attractiveness have quite literally been chucked out the window in the name of fashion-forward pipe dreams.
All it takes is a stroll down a busy street of any major metropolitan city to see what I’m talking about. Women, it seems, have been erroneously convinced that it is OK to ignore what actually looks good on their bodies and purchase (or, at the very least, desire) clothing that stimulates their brains in a way that makes them think, “Oh, wow, I can’t actually believe they sell something like this and that I had the audacity to buy it. LOOK AT ME, WORLD!”
Well, ladies, here is my take on why a large portion of you dress poorly. And, just in case you’re wondering, the reason I am qualified to talk about this is because I have eyes, a penis, and a preference for things that look flattering without explanation. Take that, you fucking eye-rapers.
Drop-crotch Pants
Is there a FUPA epidemic at the moment? Have they added an additional ingredient to fluoridated water that reacts with estrogen, which has resulted in an increased incidence of overly inflated guts and unsightly muffin tops? This is the only logical reason I can surmise for the current popularity of drop-crotch pantaloons and jodhpurs outside of equestrienne settings. What kind of woman can try these on, look in the mirror, and wholeheartedly believe she looks good in them? And don’t even get me started on the fags who’ve appropriated these for men. About the only thing these pants have going for them is that they illicit entertaining rhetorical questions. Here are a few more inquiries you can direct toward drop-crotch-wearing weirdos a la Al Jaffee’s Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions, except the pants are a stupid answer and your question is snappy (or something like that): Might you have a penis that you are trying to hide? Do you enjoy inconspicuously shitting your pants? Are you incubating a joey in there? Was the impetus for this style a person who tried to wear a shirt as pants? When you fart with these on, does the stench get trapped in there? Are you Aladdin?
Zany Alexander McQueen Shoes and All That They Have Inspired
If these are the type of unwearable apparel this guy was making while he was alive, I don’t think humanity is going to miss him very much after the barnacles and leeches have sucked dry the PR collateral of his untimely passing. Oh, am I being harsh? Too bad. These shoes are fucking harsh, as in they will jar your senses when you try to walk in them and end up gashing your forehead open on a staircase. I’m all for women wearing high heels (because it makes their asses look nice and lengthens their legs—two utilitarian AND attractive concepts I can thoroughly get behind), but shoes are arguably the most important and functional article of clothing. What’s the point if they make you walk like a giraffe who just huffed ethanol? There isn’t one, so stop wearing these types of shoes please. They look like Spuds MacKenzie designed them using his snout as inspiration.
Big, Furry Hats
This trend seemed to begin a few years ago, and I specifically remember walking down 6th Avenue and spotting what appeared to be a woman walking with a Pekingese balancing on her head. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was a hat and that she was not blind or mentally impaired. I wrote it off as a joke until a few days later when I saw another young lady—this time a loose acquaintance—wearing an even bigger puff of fur atop her melon. I laughed in her face and when she asked what I was chuckling about I pointed to her head. She frowned and became irate that I would dare make fun of her new $350 piece of headgear. I guess that’s what you get for trying to help people these days. To be clear: I am not speaking of the aviator-style hats that many men and women also seem to be donning these days. They are also ridiculous, but not nearly as idiotic as the fur-trader variety that makes the wearer look like a giant walking Q-tip. I challenge anyone to look me in the eye (or even leave a comment below) and make a good argument for why these things aren’t an elaborate, systematic prank being executed by the fashion industry. Go on, I dare you.
Jeggings
Jeans, by definition, are supposed to have pockets and a zipper, or a button fly. Leggings are supposed to be form-fitting garment—thicker than stockings but thinner than traditional pants—that look good with pretty much any outfit. Combining the two, you get something you’d figure only single mothers of two buy for a girl’s night out that ends with their face in a puddle of vomit and their kids demanding Cheerios at 3 AM because “Mommy woke them up.” Then, after taking a spin on your respective Champs-Élysées or Madison Avenue, you realize that even the young and supposedly chic have embraced this gruesome Frankenstein of fashion. The unholy union of these two types of pants should not only be illegal, preachers should warn against their dangers in their sermons. Breaking news: According to my sources (the internet), the latest in jeggings technology has indued them with zippers and pockets. This doesn’t change anything. Why not just wear tight-fitting jeans? There is no good answer to this question other than “Because I have no taste.”
Shorts & Tights
This matchup is the equivalent of sliding a lamb intestine over a condom. And it probably smells about the same in there, too. At first glance, it appears the logic is the same as with the droopy crotch crowd—covering up a dumper the wearer is self-conscious about. But, taking a closer look, I have seen many fine and grope-worthy butts sealed inside the musty cotton-and-lycra mausoleum of shorts on top of tights. If you’re cold, wear thicker tights or jeans or additional layers that fully cover your legs—not shorts. If you haven’t yet, ask your mom about this particular style sometime. She will say it is dumb—I promise.
Ultra-high-waisted pants
If a girl has an impeccable ass, maybe, MAYYYYBEEE, she will look good in a pair of these, depending on the particular cut and style. But only, and I must stress only, if the symmetry of her butt cheeks is perfect and each half of the buttocks is separated and presented as an wonderfully oval mound of flesh. Most women, however, wear these because they believe high-waisters create an optical illusion—that their lower-belly pudge will be less noticeable if the waist of their pants is moved past their navels. Please, ladies, celebrate your squishy little bellyette (as long as you’re not obese). I like to hold on to it when I have sex with you because a) it’s a useful grip and b) it’s funny. Don’t think for a second that your pants are tricking me into thinking that your hips start right below your breasts. If they did, that would be weird, and, regardless, when you take those pants off everything’s just going to go flopping around anyway. Imagine how much more disappointed the person who sees you naked will be then.
Outfits Based on Diane Keaton Circa Annie Hall
The only way this look is OK is if you are a woman who is trying to attract Jewish momma’s boys or other women by looking more masculine than them. If you fall into either of these categories, I’m sure this works extremely well. Otherwise, put on a fucking dress please. Is it really that hard? I have to put on pants every day. Or wear some jeans or slacks or a skirt or whatever makes you feel good about your ass. I don’t care. Just leave the tie and (AGAIN!) the stupid hats at whichever stores sell ties and dumb hats to women. What’s more, lady blazers only work under very specific circumstances. I’m not going to get into those here because they should be painfully obvious. But if you frequently look like a display model at Ann Taylor Loft, chances are you should reevaluate a few things about your clothing preferences.
Gladiator/Sandal boots
We’ve experienced 2,500 years of evolution since their invention and modern women are actually choosing to tromp around in the standard issue footwear of Roman legionary soldiers. Authentic caligae (their name comes from Emperor Gaius whose nickname, Caligula, translates to “little boot”) have hobnails hammered into their soles. Ladies, can you guess why one would hammer nails into the soles of sandals? Because it makes it easier to stomp babies’ faces and women who will not submit to rape. What a fashion statement you’re making by wearing them in this day and age! But seriously, besides all of that, they’re uglier than an elephant’s asshole. They were also officially trendy in 2005, so if you’re wearing them now chances are you picked them up at Payless. Also, it seems that women with cankles think they’re puling a fast one by using these as a sort of calf girdle. In reality, this tactic backfires because they make your lower legs look like a whole beef tenderloin wrapped in twine. Don’t wear them, and tell everyone you know who owns a pair to burn them and bury their remains in a cemetery.
Of course, there are many other offensive modern styles. This is but a sampling. If you feel I’ve left anything out, please call notice to the particularly offensive trend in the comments below. Thank you!"
Monday, April 5, 2010 at 11:55 am
1 comment:
the fact that he mentioned fuch and penis so much makes me think his is small and he rarely gets any...who cares what he thinks anyway. I bet he's a lot of fun to be around...not
Post a Comment