04 March, 2010

Burning barf... My body is a wonderland.

The master cleanse, an update:

So it's now day two, and I have a little story for you... When we left off yesterday, my will-power was... ummm... slipping. But I'm a catholic, so guilt works wonders on me. I got myself back on track and drank around 32oz of the lovely lemon juice/maple syrup concoction (it really is quite pleasant). Something I wouldn't mind drinking every day, actually.

And looky, I even documented my cleansing optimism for you:

But, oopsie poopsie! Don't forget to add the cayenne pepper!

It should be noted that the cayenne pepper is treated as a "to taste" ingredient; and in my cleanse-induced haze, that instruction was akin to "as much as you can handle, the more the better, knock yourself out, burn the toxins out of your system".

So I did. I absentmindedly poured a cruel amount of cayenne pepper into my drink, and gulped it down as quickly as possible.

Oh, you may need some backstory here to fully appreciate the impact of such an incident on one such as myself...

As a person who subsists primarily upon vegetable soup, cookies, and mineral water- suffice it to say, I am not a spicy person. I don't like spicy foods, I don't order anything suggestive of spiciness in restaurants and I like my salsa mild. VERY mild. It's funny, but I guess I just enjoy foods more when my mouth isn't in pain while eating them. That said... I really have no experience with cayenne pepper in my day to day life. My mother cooks with it, and I know that it's a spicy spice, and therefore I never ever buy it, or use it, much less eat it. I'd say there was close to a tablespoon of it in my 32oz lemon water yesterday. It did taste spicy, but I thought- Swallow, swallow, swallow... Mind over matter, just get through it and then you can drink some water. I swallowed so quickly that it wasn't until the final ounce or so when I realized I couldn't breathe.

Have you ever owned a bulldog? If so, you're familiar with the lovely gakking noise they sometimes make. It's not quite a cough, not quite a gag, but it incorporates the two nicely.

I gakked. I did the fancy bulldog gakking over the kitchen sink, unable to breathe for close to a minute. I then swallowed another 24oz or so of lemon water without the cayenne pepper. Nothing. So then I just started filling up the cup with plain water, swallowing, gargling, gakking... I became incredibly dizzy and lightheaded. I then (inevitably) threw up. Now, I can't quite decide what's worse, drinking large amounts of cayenne pephorror in highly concentrated citric acids, or vomiting them up and having them come out your nose; but I am now an authority on both.

Later in the day, I went to James' baseball game.

Damn that little league snack bar.
Damn it all to hell!!!

But fret not, the trusty guilt kicked in again, and sulking, I handed the nacho plate over to my dad, who was more than happy to "help". :)

I had carrots, cauliflower, and raw mushrooms for dinner with guess what, lemon water!

For breakfast this morning... A tangerine and lemon water. JUST lemon water. I can't even LOOK at you, Cayenne Pepwhore. For my mid-morning snack, quinoa in miso broth. It tastes... mmm... cleansing.

But what I really, really want right now is fruit salad. THIS fruit "salad"...

Can I just be done now? I promise my body is never going to reach the point where I'm craving the lemon water and thinking a saline solution tastes like chicken noodle soup. Ever.


♡~:nanners:~♡ said...

ack! that sounds awfullllll, but somehow you make it sound so entertaining!
how does she do it folks? how does she do it? <3

Anonymous said...

wow gold
wow gold
[url=http://buywowgold.ru/]wow gold[/url]

Related Posts with Thumbnails